It wasn't Supposed to Happen this Way

It is no use mentioning the time of the day, as these days Sameer was numb to the experience of the passage of time and couldn’t have told you the time. All he could have told u was that the sun was out and there was a breeze. The urn in his hands felt as if it was a part of his body now. He didn’t know this, but his son told him that he had spent the entire previous day clutching the urn in his hands. Sameer was astonished to hear this, not that he had spent the entire day doing this, but the fact that it happened yesterday. He knew yesterday happened, he just couldn’t tell if he was there. He heard a voice, he looked around to see whose it was, it was his son’s, standing right beside him.”When did he get here?”, he thought to himself or at least he should have.

“Pa come on we need to go, it’s a long drive.”

“Hmm”

Sameer was in his senses more, the numbness had started to fade, he remembered what day it was. He wished he hadn’t. He got into his son’s car, a green chevy beat.

“That was her favorite color.”

The thought came to him.

He corrected it in his mind knowing the original sentence didn’t need any correction.

“IT IS her favorite color.”

They started their trip. Before he knew, they were already on the highway.

It was just him and his son. He looked at the backseat, startled not to see the woman that sat there whenever they went out together. Only to remember she was in her lap, in the urn.

The numbness had completely faded away by now. He knew it was 3 more hours to where they were going. He used to love that place.

His son held his hand, clutched it. He made a face, not sympathetic, just understanding. He also had lost someone dear to him, of course he understood. His son clutching his hand took him back to the day he so badly wanted to forget. He might not have known the time that morning, but he remembered every detail of his wife’s last day. It was around 9 PM, a plate of hospital food lay on the table beside him, growing cold and stale. His wife, Nandini had refused to eat, she said she just wanted to talk.

She had grown so weak,she hadn’t been able to speak for months, but that day she did. It wasn’t like her voice was something magnificent, she was a terrible singer, even though she had tried to prove that she wasn’t on multiple occasions. Yet, he missed it. She ushered him closer. Took of her oxygen mask and said this ,“Bye sweetie…...take care of the flowers.”

I don’t need to tell you what happened after this. Although Sameer does remember that the numbness started that day. “I should get that checked”, he made a mental note.

The drive was nothing special, or nothing seemed special about it now, he had driven on it a lot of times. Trees, rural houses, cows, more cows, some goats, a few shops, an under-construction flyover, he saw all of these pass, they all looked the same.

“How much longer?”

“15 minutes the GPS says.”

“Hmmm.”

They reached there, a golf course. Sameer had a membership there, he used to have picnics with his wife there after their retirement.

They walked to Nandini’s favorite point. It was on a small hill that looked over a giant artificial lake.

Nandini and Sameer weren’t religious, they were atheists. So when Nandini died, it was a bit hard to decide what to do with her body, considering she had spent her entire life denying religion. They got her cremated, because she was raised Hindu, but decided they would scatter her ashes here and not in Haridwar. She would have liked it here more than in a river. She didn’ care about Karma and Moksh. She always said she was coming back as a vampire.

Sameer removed the lid, ready to pour the ashes out when his son said,

“You should say something.”

The kid had done many stupid things in his life but this had topped them all. Why did he have to say this? The band-aid was ready to be pulled off, we should just pull it in one go and leave. He wanted to shout this at him, but not today, it would have ruined her mood.

He turned to the lake and thought what he should say; hey? No he knew her all her life plus hey would seem awkward. What should he say?

“Say your mind.” is what she would have advised him to do.

”You bitch”, his voice quivered.

“Dad, don’t say that”

“Shut up!!”

He did, obviously, Sameer had told him to.

Sameer continued to talk to his dead wife., “You told me that I am not supposed to go to McDonald’s alone, you know I love their soft serves. If I can’t get a chocolate soft serve after my wednesday evening walks, we are going to have a word when I get there.”

“You made me promise and then you decided to die, you left me here to eat soft serves alone, what am I supposed to do now. All the activities we do at our club, we booked them as a couple, how am I supposed to do them?”

He caught himself brushing the urn like he used to brush her hair whenever they saw TV together in bed, yet he continued to do it.

“You expect me to do everything alone, you know I get lost at times and this idiot”, he said pointing at his son,”is always busy, what if I get lost and am robbed, huh?”

“Also, who will make my evening tea? We had a deal, I’ll make the morning tea and you’ll make it in the evening. Tell me” He screamed that last sentence

He had asked all these questions rhetorically today, which was weird because if he would have said all this to her in person, she would have given her a very very strong reply. One wouldn’t be wrong if they said he actually was hoping for a reply.

He poured the ashes in the lake, bent down, kissed the grass goodbye, let his son speak a few words too and they both returned to the car.

They reached home after dark. His son left him at the front gate of the house and said he would be back with dinner. Sameer did not know what to do now, so he just sat back at his chair placed in the aangan.

He looked at his wristwatch and realized it was tea time, his grief forced him to wait for 5 minutes for his wife to bring the tea, but then disappointed, went to the kitchen and made it himself. He made two cups, not one, one with no sugar and the other with 2 spoons of honey.

He took back the cups to the aangan and drank both cups of tea, one for himself and then one for her, while he made a mental note to water the flowers in the morning.